


Let me hold you

by ca_te



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-07
Updated: 2010-09-07
Packaged: 2017-10-11 14:02:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written on 14 June 2010 for a fanfiction challenge at merlinxarthur over at Livejournal. A bit au-ish, set after Arthur has discovered about Merlin's magic.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Let me hold you

**Author's Note:**

> Written on 14 June 2010 for a fanfiction challenge at merlinxarthur over at Livejournal. A bit au-ish, set after Arthur has discovered about Merlin's magic.

Merlin sits on a rug, the cool morning air all around him, and he shivers under his too light clothes. The trees are naked and dark, a bit of fog twirling around them and over the grass covered in dew.

It's weird to be on the street to Ealdor again, alone, as he was three years ago, when he left his village and travelled towards Camelot. He shrugs and brushes his hands, trying to warm them up. He can't even believe that three years have already passed, being in Camelot, by Arthur's side became so natural that he started to believe that what the Great Dragon had told him about his destiny being the same as Arthur's was true, deeply true, almost carved in his blood. If at the beginning he had risked his life for the prince because he felt as if it was his duty, then he risked his life for Arthur because he wanted to, because he wanted his friend to live. Merlin sighs and his breath forms white little puffs in the cold and still air.

 

Just few days ago, this early in the morning, he was under the covers in Arthur's huge bed, the warmth of the other boy's body all around him, magic within him sated and asleep. He scooted closer to Arthur, who mumbled something in his sleep but threw an arm around Merlin's back anyway.

Even though he has never said it to Arthur, Merlin remembers well when the weird sort of friendship that they had built, since their first disastrous encounter, morphed in something different, as a flower blossoms from a seed, as a quarter of moon becomes a full moon. It had been on a grey day, Arthur had just come back from a battle at the western borders, many soldiers had died, and when Merlin had run out in the courtyard to help Arthur to get off of his horse, he had seen many soldiers cry, because they had lost their friends and companions. Merlin had somehow felt guilty, because he was so lucky to have his dear one back, safe and sound. He had truly feared for Arthur's life that time, having been forced to remain at the castle while the prince was so far away. Merlin hadn't been able to sleep well for weeks before Arthur had come back. Merlin had accompanied Arthur in his chambers and had closed the door gently behind his back. Arthur hadn't said a word, when they entered the room he just stood there, in silence, staring at the floor. Merlin had run to him to help him out of his armour. He grimaced at the sight of all the dirt and blood plastered on it, but he had tried to hide his expression, thinking that Arthur had been the one who had had to bear it all, to keep going on, heading towards Camelot, with the stink of blood all around him. As Merlin's hands reached for the laces they had been covered by Arthur's slightly trembling ones. The first thing that Merlin had thought was that they were warm, even after all the trip and all the sadness. Arthur squeezed his fingers, and even though something knotted up within him, something warm and fluid, Merlin squeezed back, wanting Arthur to know that he was there, right there for him. Arthur had tugged a bit more forcefully at Merlin's hand, and the warlock just had to move from behind Arthur till he was facing him. Arthur's azure eyes were darker than usual, deeper somehow, and Merlin had the sensation that they were about to suck him in, he had to take a deep breath, feeling his own body trembling under Arthur's gaze. Then Arthur had taken a step towards him and he had felt the armour still covering the prince's body scratch against his back and his chest. But it hadn't mattered, almost all the air had been knocked out of his lungs, the sensation of having Arthur so unbelievably close was overwhelming. The prince's breath was wet over his ear as he spoke.

"I…let…let me hold you, Merlin"

Merlin felt his heart fall at the bottom of his ribcage, Arthur's voice had such a pleading, shaking undertone and all that Merlin wanted was just to hold the prince, to squeeze him and anchor him to reality. He took in a deep breath and moved to face Arthur, blue eyes meeting azure ones. There wasn't any need for words, he knew it, so he just closed his eyes and pressed his lips over Arthur's. He felt Arthur's hands crawl up his back, gripping his tunic, holding to it as if Merlin was the only solid things left on earth. Arthur kissed him sloppily at first, but his kisses grew angrier, and Merlin couldn't help to moan, the sound rolling softly over their entwined tongues. It wasn't as if Merlin had never been kissed by anyone, but he had never felt all that desire building up inside of him, threatening to burst out, his magic twirling faster than ever at the bottom of his being. When Arthur started to move them towards the bed Merlin pushed his hands against Arthur's chest, and when the prince looked at him, pain and surprise in his eyes, he kissed him tenderly and reassuringly.

"I'm just going to take your armour of…Arthur."

The prince took in a shaky breath and nodded. Many times before Merlin had felt warmth pooling in his groin as he was undressing the Arthur, but it had never been so strong as it was that day. As soon as he removed the armour's pieces Arthur encircled him with his arms, and under the smell of blood, of sweat there was Arthur's scent, so familiar and so breath-taking. Merlin let himself sink into it, deep down in it, and hugged Arthur back. He gasped as the prince licked the shell of his ear, "please, Merlin". The young warlock almost moaned just at the sound of Arthur's pleading words, but he didn't want Arthur to think that he was having pity, that he was just doing what he was ordered to. He wanted to be held by Arthur, to feel him as he had never been able to do. Arthur guided the two of them towards the bed, and Merlin let him, when he lied on his back on the mattress he looked up at Arthur's face, so beautiful that he felt something crashing inside of him. Arthur's hands were gentle as he undressed him, and slowly explored every inch of Merlin's pale shin. Merlin felt warmth spreading along the lines and circles drawn by Arthur's fingers. He tried to focus again on reality, he wanted to reciprocate, he wanted to touch Arthur too, but the prince backed off, a serious expression on his face.

"Merlin, please. I…I want to be the one who touches you"

"But…Arthur…"

"Shh"

Arthur's lips were firm against his, and Merlin surrendered, he let Arthur take off his clothes, he shivered under the prince's gaze. When he hesitated, his finger hovering over Merlin's hole, Merlin reached for him, and gently caressed Arthur's cheek, shifting slightly on the mattress so that his hardened length brushed against Arthur's tight. The prince's eyes widened and Merlin smiled.

"Go ahead Arthur. I want, I need you to hold me."

And then Arthur was inside of him, it hurt at first, Merlin felt as if he had been forced open, but he was glad to give all that he had to Arthur, he let Arthur in, till he was buried inside of him, till Merlin couldn't tell anymore where he finished and Arthur began.

Arthur held him, as they drifted in a lazy slumber, caressing Merlin's back, as if he was counting the bones of his spine. Merlin kissed Arthur's jaw, the sensation of completeness and pleasure still alive in his mind and body. As Arthur's breath became regular and soft, Merlin looked out of the window, at the sun slowly setting, casting an orange light over the courtyard, over the glass, making all that orange drip into Arthur's chambers. He sighed contently and hid his face against Arthur's neck.

 

Merlin hides his face into his cold hands, missing Arthur's warmth more than ever, cursing his traitorous mind for bringing back that memory. He fights back the tears and bites hard on his lower lip, till he can taste iron on his tongue. He wonders if Arthur is looking for him, if he hates him or if he wants him back. Merlin knows that he shouldn't think about all of this, because in the end there wasn't any other choice, he couldn't remain in Camelot, and he didn't want to see the look of disgust on Arthur's face. As tears start to stream along his cheeks he curses himself for not having being careful last night, for having revealed what he was supposed to hide at least till the end of Uther's reign.

 

But he didn't have the time to think, when that horrible creature had attacked them as they were going back to Camelot after a hunting trip. They were late, the sun had already set behind the line of hills hemming the horizon. The creature had broke through the trees and assaulted the two soldiers who were with them, Arthur had run ahead, his sword out. And there he was, as always, facing the danger alone, he was so brave, so close to the king that he would become in those moments that it made something ache within Merlin. Then he saw the beast's teeth flashing white in the moon light and they were so close to Arthur's shoulder and neck that he just had to do it, he just screamed the spell, not caring about Arthur's eyes fixed on him. His eyes flashed gold and the beast fell to the ground. Merlin stood there, breathing heavily, his blood running cold under Arthur's gaze. The prince moved his lips, about to talk, and Merlin just did what he thought was best, he turned and ran, ran fast, because he didn't want to know what Arthur was about to say. He ran till he arrived where he is sitting now.

 

The night has faded away and a cold dawn has started to slide over the earth, slipping through the trees. Merlin tilts his head back to look at the naked branches over his head, to look at the sky. He feels as if he is disappearing in these moments which are neither day nor night. A bird chirps somewhere, Merlin knows that he has to move, but somehow he cannot bring himself to do so. Every step that he takes towards Ealdor puts more distance between him and his destiny, between him and Arthur. A branch snaps somewhere and Merlin jumps on his feet, magic already collecting in his hands. Then he sees him, emerging out of the fog, out of the whiteness of dawn, his golden hair shining lightly, he can feel his knees shaking, and he is torn between the impulse to run away and the desire to stay, to look at Arthur, to touch him.

"Don't"

Arthur's voice is clear, it cut through the fog and the morning silence. Merlin swallows.

"Don't run away"

Merlin feels a knot forming in his throat, but he remains still, his eyes on Arthur as the prince walks towards him.

They are facing each other now, their breath forming puffs between them, they are so close that Merlin could reach out and press his hand against Arthur's chest. Looking at the prince's face he knows that Arthur hasn't sleep neither, he wonders if he has followed his tracks all night long. His heart is beating so fast that it's hard for him to think, but he knows that he has to say something, that he must say something.

"Arthur…I…"

He blinks as he finds himself pressed against Arthur, his face against Arthur's broad chest.

"Arthur…"

The prince's fingers are in his hair, caressing lightly. Merlin tries to pull away but Arthur just holds him tighter.

"Arthur, please, let me go, I don't deserve…"

Arthur's voice is shaking this time.

"Merlin…let me hold you, like that time, like all the other times."

Merlin fells tears at the corner of his eyes and he just pushes more forcefully his hands against Arthur's chest, finally breaking the tight circle of Arthur's arms. He balls his fists, looking straight into the prince's eyes.

"Arthur, look at me! I'm a liar, I…I betrayed you…"

And his voice is just a whisper but it cuts right through him, the idea that he has lied to Arthur heavier than ever.

Arthur's voice is clear and strong though, as he closes the distance between them again.

"That's for me to decide, Merlin. I…I admit that at the beginning it hurt me, it made me think that I didn't know you at all."

A tear rolls down Merlin's cheek.

"But then…then the thought that you could be gone forever, it hurt more. I…"

Merlin closes his eyes as Arthur brushes his thumb against his cheekbone.

"I…It's alright, I mean…I want you by my side anyway."

Arthur's hands move down, grasping Merlin's cold ones.

Merlin looks at Arthur, searching his eyes, and Arthur smiles, one of those shy smiles of his.

"I'm saying the truth, Merlin, you idiot!"

Merlin's eyes widen and he is about to answer but Arthur's lips on his cut him off. He obediently opens his mouth as Arthur licks his lips. Even though the morning air is cold around them all Merlin feels is the warmth of Arthur's tongue and hands, the warmth of their shared destiny.


End file.
